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Intimacy-positive week is continuing with a guest post from my bisexual friend Sana Al-Badri. My own comments are in the footnotes. Welcome to my very bi dating advice, from a bi woman to bi women and of course, to readers who are curious about bisexual dating. This article is about authentic encounters with the same sex. I will outline what behaviors and mindset will help you improve communication as well as eliciting attraction. I will also outline the current dating landscape for bisexual women and help you set clear expectations. My focus is to address bisexual women, who are already out and are looking to date women.
Because I believe that data orientates us towards the truth, here in quantitative terms a quick picture of female bisexuality:. These s tell you a few things, in particular: Your dating pool is small! Overall it seems realistic and more likely for a bisexual woman to have a sexual experience with a woman in her life as compared to romantic relations.
This will be a fierce competition. Further theories of the evolution of homosexuality clearly show it is advantageous to survival on a kin-selection level. It is different from heterosexuality in many aspects and manifests differently in different contexts. Such gay men, it seems, were meant to support the child rearing of their relatives rather than have children of their own.
Bisexuality unfortunately is not studied well enough to outline its adaptiveness in such detail but I would assume that the co-parenting hypothesis would hold true. According to that theory, bisexuality has evolved to reduce tension and increase cooperation between women in polygamous arrangements, which humans are mildly predisposed to. Researchers have also found that men from a cross-cultural sample prefer women with same sex attraction over straight women.
Just to note, regardless of the adaptiveness of bisexuality in women, consenting individuals should be free to love however they desire. However, the fact that there is an evolutionary backbone will make dating same-sex individuals a lot more intuitive. The key here is that women being attracted to other women is very natural and has its place in human mating. That should make it much more easily to harness and cultivate in your life. Despite this, same sex dating in women is still so rare for mostly social and structural reasons. However, as with most revolutions, private and public, you have to start with your very own liberation.
In the current dating environment, dating women will require you to change and grow genuine confidence and assertiveness. Skills that will not only help you attract hot babes but will, as a nice side-effect, also raise your salary and career prospects. Dating men exclusively is not an option well it is, but many of you, my bisexual friends, are unhappy about this. The best thing about being a bi girl is that you can date men and the worst thing about it is that you can date men. This will make sense, just follow me here: Most bi girls have never seriously dated a woman.
Just think about how nervous and awkward you felt when you were a teenager starting out with your first boyfriend. And then imagine you are an adult and similar feelings start creeping up when you are with a woman. It scares you even more now because you should be all grown up and more confident about sex and romance. These feelings of doubt and confusion are difficult to handle, they throw you out of the moment and into a state of anxiety.
This is when most women quit. Secretly and not-so-secretly, dating men is the easier option. The avoidance coping mechanism works a bit like this: Your system is trying to avoid negative feelings perceived punishments and seek pleasure perceived rewards. This is our most basic motivational structure.
Let me illustrate this in the case of dating men compared to women. Dating men means that you feel a lot more confident in your skills, in pleasuring them sexually and knowing how to attract them. Your social circle will be more open and you get to be straight passing and experience hetero privileges.
And on top of it, finding willing men is easy, they are basically all waiting in line trying their luck. When you even show the slightest interest they reward it tenfold with even more interest. With men the rewards are neatly lined up. Your brain will just choose the path of least resistance and with the greatest rewards, aka immediate gratification. Compare this to women. You feel insecure about your abilities in attracting them.
Your social circle will be confused and society will find your relationship less valid. On top of it, women rarely reply to your messages and you will have to deal with a lot of rejection. At this point you might question your level of interest in other women. As you can see, the rewards are not clear and the effort required is high. At that point you know what dating women is like and you have developed strategies to make the most out of every message you send and receive. In particular, you will start to notice how many bisexual women are starved for attention from women who can reciprocate their attraction.
You learned how to please same sex partners and what you desire from them. Your friends and family have come to terms with your bisexuality and protect you from judgement you may receive. This is a very different picture, in which there are plenty of touch-points for rewards. Being aware of your current pleasure to pain ratio can help you get over the initial hurdles. I want to highlight that I really have empathy for those who are just beginning their journey. It takes a serious time investment to improve your dating skills with women.
Keep in mind that it often took the men you date today several years and relationships to become the attractive person they are today. If it helps to hear, I will gladly share my first experience. I remember my first date with a woman. When I saw her, she was this petite blonde girl, even smaller than me. I found it so strange to feel bigger when holding hands. It felt unfamiliar and thus confusing. Was this romance or just friendship? I was lucky that she was quite forward which sometimes made me even more insecure. Despite it all, I kept on making sure we see each other and she turned out to be my girlfriend for over a year.
From my conversations with bisexual women I know they are looking for both emotional and sexual connection to other women. My advice here is, feel the fear and do it anyway. If you encounter a woman who is looking to date women say online and she replies to your messages or has even messaged you first, then she is interested!
I know this seems hard to accept. In most cases she is not initiating conversation, barely complimenting you, and might be hesitant to meet up. Just for reference, this is how most straight men feel when online dating, so expect to encounter the same. Tinder online experiments and academic studies show that similarly attractive men compared to women get far fewer messages and matches. So in order for them to find someone they HAVE to message first. Additionally, those who message or approach you first , often think you are more attractive than themselves.
As such it also makes strategic sense to move first. Understandably, we learn to be very careful in showing our interest. Often a smile towards a man is more than enough to get his attention. So a bisexual woman will display a higher degree of coyness than you are used to from men. She will look to select among her suitors, so you have to stand out at minimum by making clear you exist and are interested.
Above all else, show persistence! So my advice here: Keep going! Message first, initiate first, suggest things to do first. As bisexual women, we are often grouped together with either straight or gay people. This frequently occurs in media representation as well. Daenerys Targaryen from Game of Thrones who in the books has sexual relations with both men and women is portrayed as exclusively straight in the TV production.
We are often not accepted among lesbians. They can be afraid of dating us and many simply refuse to. In part this is understandable, given that many bi women are fearful and uncertain about their desires. On the other hand, we are also not understood by heterosexuals. As a result, some of us feel the need to hide and suppress our desires which makes us a contributor to the erasure of our own identities.
Failed relationships and loss of attraction to a man is not seen as questioning our very attraction to men entirely. With women the stakes are very high, as each and every woman we meet seemingly has the power to define whether we are truly bi or not. These worries can place heavy weights on our feelings of romance and attraction, often stifling them as soon as they arise.
However, research shows that bisexual women remain bisexual throughout their lives. Knowing this might give you confidence in your sexuality. So my advice here is to go out and date a woman. Discovering your taste in dating is a journey. And your bisexual journey will also be about discovering what kinds of women you find attractive.Bi-girl
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The Bisexual Woman’s Guide to Dating Women