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MsDora is a Certified Christian Counselor. Her views on premarital and marital issues are influenced by her Christian beliefs. Many older adults report being lonely while being married or living with a partner. Sam Moqadam via Unsplash. Whichever lonely wife you think of, she is only one of many. Guy Winch, Ph. The study included both genders, but the wife is more likely to admit feeling disconnected and lonely.
It is not difficult for the lonely wife to be seduced into exploits she might later regret. The first mistake is to accept deprivation of her marriage rights, instead of requiring them from her husband. This article encourages her to requests those rights, which include but are not limited to:. Marriage is among other things, a physical togetherness. An unreasonable husband may think that his wife does not request his presence because she does not need it.
Meanwhile, because she does not want to seem demanding, she settles for shopping, eating, watching movies and going to bed alone. She thinks: "Why bother the man who refuses to spend time with me? Actually, it is wise for her to initiate a conversation about her need for his presence.
To confess that she is lonely is a safer alternative than posting a profile on the LonelyWives website. The solution to loneliness is not about finding substitutes; it is about taking the direct route to the heart of the matter. The pain of the confession may be well worth the effort of dealing with the problem and the pleasure of finding the solution. Sometimes the husband is physically present, but shares no emotional connection. Just suppose that the lonely wife yields to the temptation of online companionship; or she agrees for his best friend to check on her when she is alone.
The friend feeds her craving for attention; she responds by exposing her inmost thoughts and desires. She begins to feel worthy and desirable. Eventually, the substitute emotional support becomes a trade-off—an exchange of one problem for another:. There is no profit in losing the little she may have with her husband.
There is joy and comfort in making the effort to build on it for the benefit of their union. Lonely with husband in view. Wikimedia Commons. Social posture is very important to the woman. That is the reason a discreet, lonely wife is not willing to be seen in public with the man who offers her forbidden friendship. She wants to maintain the image of a happy, dutiful wife. She may ride to church with her husband when he is available, or to any social function to which the couple is invited. Their conversation on the way is minimal, but their smiles when they arrive are as much as can be expected.
This kind of hypocrisy can push her into an avoidance-avoidance conflict— to choose between losing a broken marriage and hanging on to an illicit friendship. Neither choice is satisfying, but choosing either will prevent her from insisting on what she really wants and deserves. If she decides to stay in the marriage, the next step is to get professional help if an honest soul-soul conversation with her husband does not fix it. Like windshield wipers, lonely spouses may move together though they do not touch. Photo by Lothar Spurzem. She might be tempted to spend money excessively, max out the credit card, enjoy a luxurious spa treatment instead of paying the utility bills.
It hurts their ability to help the children and to contribute to worthy charitable causes. She could be embarrassed when she realizes that they cannot meet family obligations because of her irresponsibility. She may confide in her "special" male friend about her lack of finances.
If the friend helps her, he begins to visualize replacing her husband. If he refuses, he reveals that his intention is not to replace her husband, only to enjoy some friendship benefits. Either way, he underscores that her vulnerability is safer when placed with her husband. She can never go wrong waiting up to have that conversation with the right person--her husband. Every human problem needs supernatural help, and it would be great if the husband le out in the search for spiritual guidance, but sadly, the lonely wife often finds herself alone in this.
Her first prayer should be for herself: for wisdom to look at the situation with the right attitude, with sensitivity, patience and an open mind to the divine solution. Not that the responsibility is all hers to improve the marriage, but neither does she want to suggest that the problem is all her husband's fault. They both have adjustments to make in bridging the gap that has made them distant. Confronting her husband with the right attitude, with love and kindness, will make him more responsive. When he becomes involved, it is wise to express her gratitude and her expectations for his continued presence.
What should I do to go further? Answer: Sincerely sorry for your plight. Please find a counselor who would listen to the details of your story and offer professional advice. Sabrinadean, I say Amen to the prayer. Thanks for reading and sharing my articles.
God grant that they promote His will in the lives of those who read them. I got this link tks to Alvyn. I am indeed very happy to hv known this hub. I have shared it with so many. Your blogs were the first I read. Still it procure the same pleasure to discover and acquire more knowledge especially in "shaky" times n after I have kneeled n pray Pls Father continue to grant your wisdom thru the Holy Spirit so that knowledge continue to spread daily for those who are thirsty!
In the name of our Wonderful Saviour Jesus Christ Thank you for your comment, John. Sorry I have to delete it because of the link you included. Best to you! Nighthag, thank you so much for sharing your story and affirming the principles in the article. Happy for you that your joy increased. All the best in your marriage, going forward.
Fantastic written article. It so reminded my of my: The self employed housewife story. We often only years later realized that the very people that were in our lives were our best teachers. Happy New Year! Caution and Comfort for the Lonely Wife is so true and you have made such valuable points. Nell, Happy New Year! I can identify with your story. It seems that when we lose the connection, we become free to accept each other as we are--no expectations-so we relate better. Thank you for sharing. Hi MsDora, this is really interesting and yes I can totally understand what you mean.
When I was married it was like there was a huge chasm between him talking to me, or interacting, it was a nightmare, now we are divorced we get on really well, how ironic is that? Hope things are better for you now, and continue to get better throughout the New Year. Jackie, thanks for your input. You make a powerful observation. The marriage stands a better chance when both spouses allow god in their lives. There was a song years ago called "Lonely women make great lovers".
I have been married and experienced that feeling of being married but alone. I think it is quite common. Great description of what happens in many marriages and how could any of them have a chance without God in the marriage for both partners? One person trying to make a marriage work in most cases are probably fighting a losing battle. Parrster, your response makes my day. Hope other husbands re your comment; of course wives should also reciprocate by respecting the interests of their husbands.
Thank you very much. Manatita, I appreciate your input. The quote from Tusitala Tom is very meaningful. I like what sallybea said. Whether it's a marriage or simply a friendship, a lot of people today don't seem to know how to communicate unless they're sitting in front of a computer screen or texting on a cell phone.
In my mind, communication is the key. Beautifully written and a poignant reminder to us husbands to consider our wives best interests foremost in our activities. Your article is useful and will benefit some. So thank you for sharing. Still, it also highlights a problem that cannot be solved in relationships. Loneliness can induce great pain in an otherwise very noble soul or souls. Many of your rationale and statements may be true on a human level, but people can also be lonely in stable relationships also. This aloneness comes from the yearning of the Soul for its Freedom, and it will be there until such time as it has re-discovered its true Source.
I have taken extracts from a piece written by Tusitala Tom below. It's in answer to a question about love but I feel that it is very valid here. Of course, it is a tempoary illusion. If we continue to rely on another person to make us feel that our life is complete we are giving our power of complete automomy over ourselves to another.
After a while we will resent that. This is why so many who 'fall out of love' or have someone leave them feel either bitter or devastated On the other hand, if our 'being in love' gradually evolves into our simply loving the other person for what they are; letting them be part of our lives if they want to be but never controlling them or trying to make them over to how we would like them to be, then we have moved forward; we have grown as a human being.
Our Western Culture has instigated an awful lot of myth about being in love. And make no mistake, being in love is a very powerful emotion. Such is its power that it can almost turn us bi-polar whilst we are in its grip.Lonelywife
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The Lonely Wife